I see now, the cycle of self-abuse, self-rejection and self-attack that I was born into. It is clear now how generational it is, being passed down from parent to child like eye colour or body shape. Just like my blonde hair, I accepted this chronic self-hatred without pause, having no idea that this very thing, was the source of my unwanted weight.
How could the roll over my jeans not be the issue here? It never occurred to me that my intense hatred of self, the punishing workouts, and calorie counting could be deficient in any way. I just wasn’t trying hard enough. I had to do better.
I watched my Mom struggle with her body totally unaware that this influence would profoundly impact my life choices. I reflect on it now with awe and a deeper understanding that I was meant to be a coach for people in this area. It all makes sense now. For this, I am grateful.
I am grateful for many things – for being able to stop the cycle of self-rejection for myself, for my family, for being an advocate and a source of support for those I coach, and to help teach in my own small way how people can begin to love themselves more. To be the person I needed but didn’t have.
It was not my Mom’s fault; she was doing her best and only wanted good things for me, this I know to be true. My experiences being a chubby kid with severe asthma has made me into the strong, healthy, and empathetic person I am today. I have a good understanding of what many are experiencing with food and body, and I can speak to them the words their hearts and souls are longing to hear. I am happy to be that voice, to be the one who offers up a different way, and different language to navigate the tricky waters of food and body.
I am in a good position to tell the people I coach that no amount of intense cardio or the perfect balance of calories consumed will guarantee the body we think we need to have in order to be truly happy. I became a personal trainer in hopes this would force me to have a lean body, to put pressure to maintain a flat stomach and when that failed I turned my sights on being a nutritionist.
Surely, if I knew the science behind food I would be able to control my appetite and rid myself of the excess fat I had. I felt like a failure when I was unable to figure this out, to have the body people expected a personal trainer and nutritionist should have. I had all the resources and the knowledge, yet couldn’t get it done.
What is wrong with me? Absolutely nothing.
Seeing myself as broken and a failure was the issue, not me and not my fat. I see that now.
ABOUT SARAH SHOEMAKER
My early years were marked by the struggles of asthma and allergies. I didn’t allow this to hold me back; I was dogged in my efforts to be healthier. This determination allowed me to become a personal trainer. I loved being the coach I never had, but I battled my body weight issues every day. Becoming a nutritionist was not just a career choice; it was a transformative step toward addressing chronic digestive issues that had plagued me for years. However, in my mind I was still fat and I didn’t understand why. I then delved into the psychology of eating. My quest to understand the intricate relationship between the mind and food has allowed me to blended my knowledge of the body’s inner workings with a holistic approach to food and body. Today I advocate and cheerlead those who are stuck in antiquated ideas around food and body.