I thought I had nailed my challenges around body image. It took me two eating disorders, a whole pile of books and a great deal of self-development to accept that I needed to accept exactly who I was, whatever the tape measure or the number on the scales said. In fact, I had thrown away the scales.
And then BOOM. They were back. I was hating on myself all over again. Bringing in all those old thoughts that I thought I had moved on from.
They became so disruptive in my mind that I couldn’t hear anything else anymore. Even though I was functioning on the outside, in the inside, it was a simple chant, ‘ FAT. FAT. FAT’. When I walked down the street, I could have sworn I could hear people calling me names in their heads.
It wasn’t eating disorder territory this time, and it was getting close.
I knew I had to act fast and also gently.
So I pulled out my toolkit, called in on my eating psychology friends and I went again.
Everywhere I looked it was abundantly clear.
“It’s time to surrender”.
I knew it.
And also, truth? NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WHAT IF I EAT MYSELF TO DEATH?
It was terrifying.
It was also the only way.
So I did. I made it harder than I needed to. And I still did it.
I let go. I chose to stop allowing my mind to indulge in those thoughts that hurt. I didn’t always notice them straight away, and as soon as I did, I learned techniques to allow them to pass by.
I had abused myself for years. Cruelly and viciously. And yet I had grown to believe that the pattern of attack was somehow helpful.
Nothing good or useful was ever created in my life from self-attack and punishment.
My journey to self-acceptance has been challenging, painful and in the end, utterly joyful.
I have found a way to be in a different relationship with my thoughts and subsequently, my body.
Because my life is too short to be worrying all the time about food and exercise and shape and size.
I need food to nourish me, exercise to keep me strong and clothes that keep me warm.
Sometimes my food does not nourish me. Sometimes I don’t go to the gym. Sometimes I’m not in love with my clothes.
What’s different now is I smile and trust that I’m doing the best I can in any given moment.
I like cake. Sometimes I want to eat it. So I do.
I like to snuggle up and read a good book sometimes and skip my workout. So I do.
And in those moments, LIFE IS GOOD. In so many moments, life is more than I ever imagined it could be.
Just because I surrendered.
I want that for you too. That’s why I joined this amazing Tribe. It’s time we set ourselves free.
Wise. Creative. Inspiring.
I fall into that special category of women who could live on 500 calories a day or less, become seriously ill, but NEVER get skinny. Truly. It took two eating disorders to realise that the answer was not going down to 300 calories a day, but in learning to love the body that I have been given. This glorious vehicle that doesn’t fit the mould so far, has been able to do all the things required to live a wonderful life. I’m tired of the way we believe we are only good enough if we have the perfect body. I hate the way we treat fat people as though they have committed a crime. All of this gets in the way of us being the person we are destined to be. That’s why I coach. Because I want you out there shining your imperfectly unique light in the world.