During the height of my anorexia I would ritually pull out my secret scales from the top of my wardrobe, which were hidden with all my heavy winter jumpers, and quickly stand on them with abated breath and terrifyingly stare at the number that stared so shockingly back at me.
I would then step off the scales, reset them, and then jump back on them to check the absolute accuracy of that number. I often did this 4 or 5 times.
This number instantly determined my mood for the rest of the day. If it was lower than the usual figure I would be elated and mindlessly ecstatic. But if it was even a smidgen higher I would crumple into a dark depression and declare to myself I would have to starve more than usual that day.
This ritual was a necessary and very regular part of my day. I would stand on and off these scales up to 8 different times over the entirety of the day.
The time, energy and grief that went into this weighing addiction was insurmountable and exhausting.
During my recovery I slowly let go of the scale, and stated reducing the intensity, need and emotive urgency of this ritual.
And on one typical day I calmly and certainly picked up my scales and put them gingerly in the back seat of my car. I drove around to a neighbourhood that had a rubbish collection. When I saw a verge covered with unwanted items, I stopped, got these well-used scales out of my car and placed them delicately among the other items. I drove off and didn’t look back… and I never bought scales again.
Surrendering the scales was a massively important ingredient in my recovery.
A number was no longer the deciding factor of the state of my mind and mood. I became more aware, embodied, mindful, and ultimately found a deeper sense of peace and freedom, from not being ruled by an absurd number.
When making a cake, we first put in a cup of flour, followed by all the other ingredients, and then we bake the cake in the oven.
My recovery was similar to this. Surrendering the scales was my first ingredient, my first step to surrendering into healing.
If you’re struggling with food, eating and or body image concerns, try this ingredient… Throw out your scales and add a cup of sweetness to your life!
Sensitive. Spiritual. Sincere.
Susannah is a Eating Psychology Coach, specialising in eating disorders, body image concerns, mindful eating, fatigue, digestive problems, naturopathic nutrition, and teaching others how to nourish their mind, body and soul. Susannah’s own dynamic journey now enables her to help others fully recover from their disordered eating concerns. She lives her life purpose; helping others find theirs and helping them find their own self-love, nourishment and compassion.Susannah is a qualified Eating Psychology Coach, Food & Spirit Practitioner, a Mindful Eating Facilitator, a Chakradance Facilitator, and a Naturopathic Nutritionist. She runs workshops and does private coaching in person in Perth, Western Australia, or via Skype.
Full details at www.fullspectrumhealing.com.au.